I would like to offically state that I am now single......and not liking the feeling right now. Roland and I had some issues that couldn't be fixed and that was that. We kept talking about the same problems thinking that in time, it would change...but it just got worse. I wanted to make it work so bad that if he hadn't of broken it off this morning, i don't think i ever would. It's not like they are too bad of problems, but it's something that he has to get over. Plus, his ex-fiance really messed him up. I was just starting to get him to open up and now here i am, putting up this wall because of him. We still care about eachother though. He doesn't know this, but I probably care about him more than i should at this point. I have a problem with letting go and getting attatched too fast, or letting all of me out too fast. And that's what hurts the most. If i had known 4 months ago that this was going to turn out bad....i wouldn't have started liking him and maybe it would be easier for me to be friends with him. Eventually, i will be friends with him, but i told him that i really can't be his friend right now. I need to transition myself from girlfriend to just friend. Just like i did with Mitch....only this time it's different: Me and Mitch just had a physical attraction with eachother, and with Roland, it was more emotional and spiritual connection since we never really did get too physical. And those are the ones that hurt the most. For the past 4 months, i have tried to revolve my life around him, but that didn't work cause of work and stuff. And i'm glad it didn't. I hate dating all the wrong people why can't i just find the right one for once! I almost feel like it was something i did or didn't do. But i know that wasn't the problem. We stayed up till 2 this morning talking and me crying about it. I thought i had prepared myself well for this since this had been going through my head since he left for San Antonio, but i guess i didn't prepare myself well enough and i let my wall down too fast so now i feel so vulnerable. He asked to stay last night and i said yes only because it was raining like cats and dogs and i'm not angry with him. So we woke up at 5:30 this morning and he gave me a little kiss on the cheek. I almost backed away, but i just couldn't do it! So now, i'm sitting at work, with my eyes all puffy from crying all night, dreading this 14 hour day i have to work today and all i wanna do is lock myself in a room and not talk or see anyone and not have to come to work. It's taking all my willpower right now to stay awake and to not call him. That's the last thing i need to do right now. Ugh......my soda order is here....back to work.
3 Comment(s).
FAT BASTARD!!! LOL 
What happened to the sober Jackie? Looks like you're back to old habits. 
call me when you can on the weekend. luv ya!!! 
Happy Easter !
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Feliz Cinco de Mayo ! 
jogging through here as I pass and say hello!
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